Have you ever felt the need to google search what the death rattle sounds like? No thank Buddha. That’s not normal . That is my life. There was a point last year where I felt I was close & my breathing sounded laboured as I was falling asleep, I convinced myself I had hours left & was trying to plan who would find my body. So It’s 1.30am Friday Morning 21st August. I‘m Sat alone in the dim lit kitchen, well with the dog & my laptop . Unable to sleep so I thought instead of lying in bed mind racing & dangerous googling , I’ll use this quiet time constructively to touch base with you lovely lot. Things are okay. I feel more on an even keel from a medical (physical ) point of view but mentally it’s hit me like a tidal wave. The truth tonight is I Cant sleep I’m no longer remotely tired, my mind is flitting between celebrating a miracle to planning which songs would be nice at my funeral.( sorry mam it’s macabre) This my friends is the ugly truth about cancer. i promised to always be real & I don’t think it benefits anyone by making out otherwise. you see I’m branded a warrior, strong & so on but I’m a fearful fraud. I proudly admit to being a positive person but living in constant terror of impending death for 18months is having an effect. I’m anxious. let’s face it i dont want to die, i Live in daily fear that any moment could be my last. What a way to exist yet this is my privilege that I’m still surviving this mammoth mofo. So upon having a good think I’ve decided it really is ok to NOT be ok. I know it’s cliche & we say it a lot but you know what it is okay. I’m scared. More for the kids & my family than myself. I think that’s a rational result given the past 18 months . Don’t be worrying though I’m ok I’m resilient I allow myself to feel all emotions I just don’t sit in the negative ones.
on the positive side I had a Great healing session with a fantastic local healer it really was an uplifting experience so I’ll have a bit more of that.
Again thanks to the folk topping up my meds fund❤️ The runners, walkers, bikers, lemonade stallholders, merchandisers, bakers, anonymous donators.... the list goes on . thank you thank you thank you